. I loved you in a million way, but unfortunately, my idea of love is skewed.It’s broken and bruised. It’s disolutioned and lost. It’s empty and strong and remorsed. It’s longing and leaping -colliding and weeping.
Im going to have to put you down here.
What was it all for?
Soul painter
I have a canvas. I want to lie on it, press my body against it, pull away from it and see the colors of my existence on it.
I want to dance on it, and laugh on it, and see my emotions appear on it. I want to see the shades of pride and love and brightness on it. I want to see bright reds shooting into oranges, yellow running into greens. I want to see my excitement on it. I can see it in my mind, and feel it in my soul. I want to show the world it.
I have a canvas. I want to lie on it, press my body against it, pull away from it and see the colors of my existence on it.
I want to grieve on it, mourn on it, and see my emotions appear on it. I want to see the shades of remorse, guilt, and loss on it. I want to see watered down black dripping into greys, dark reds running off of it, lost in it. I want to see my confusion on it. I can see it in my mind, and feel it in my soul. I want to show the world it.
The canvas of my humanity. I can see it in my minds eye, and the deepest corners of my soul. This life, this canvas, how beautifully detailed in all the honesty of my humanity. The simplicity of my eradication. The strength in my revival. The beauty in my world.
Open
Here I stand.
I am open.
Or should I say here I lie. Here I lay. I am open.
I am fruitful. I have created life. I have grown a universe. Inside my body I have grown a mind.
I am girth. I am power. I am strength.
Yet, here I lie. Here I lay. I am open.
So easily you have normalized this. But no, this is not normal. This is not right.
The room is cold.
My enormity
The vastness and greatness of the all consuming is floating above our heads.
I am just one person with just one life. I have learned to lie.
I have lost who I am in this one life. I am just one person who has learned to lie- and in this one life, I am several.
When I am still and when I am calm the enormity of what is around me, above me, and below – the all consuming, consumes me. And I am small. What is above,below , and around me – is now through me.
I am a picture of many things, a story of several. In this I have woven stories. My tapestry. My legend. My life.
Speak
I can’t creat what I cannot feel .
I am told to be empathetic. I am told to be somber. I am told to be passionate. I am told to be heartfelt.
I can’t creat what I cannot feel.
You’re to close. You make me feel anxious. You are asking to much. These feelings you want. These expressions you expect me to give. You tell me that I need to understand, that I need to show empathy. But what of you? Where is your empathy and respect for me? Just because I keeps my feelings to myself instead of bleed them to who ever will listen, I should not be given respect? I say your to close and I don’t want to talk. And you say I’m cold. I’m rude, i am immature.
Just because I am not showing my wounds, or howling , or broadcasting my pain and concern and discomfort doesn’t mean you get to forfeit my thoughts and my boundaries
I draw this line. This line is mine, and I’ll build a wall. This wall is mine.
You stay there. Right there. Because this is my wall and my line and i cannot creat what I cannot feel.
I dance
look at me I dance. look at me I leap. look at me I twirl, I swirl, I sashay.
look at me im pretty. look at me I shine. look at me I glow, I grow, I am radiant.
look at me.look at me.look at me.
I’m small.I’m broken.I’m shallow.I’m scared.
I’m lost.I’m lonely.I’m tiered.I’m weak.
But look at me I’m pretty, and look at me I dance. Look at me I shine and leap, I twirl I glow I swirl I grow I sashay I radiate.
look at me.
look at me.
look at me.
I wathched you.
I watched you.
I watched you.
I watched the light dance from your life,
the smile from your face.
I watched the nights bleed into your days and your eyes become hollow.
I watched you .. but I didn’t see you.
Or maybe I didn’t realize what I was watching.
You stopped your own breath.
I heard your voice. i thought it would effect me more then it did. I thought I would cry, maybe even get goose bumps. But I didn’t. I think its because it still sounded so fresh to me.
who am I now? Who are we now?
There is someone else inside of me. I keep her quite. her thoughts are big and creative and larger then the both of us. and she wants to change the world, she wants to fix fix fix.
but i keep her quite .i keep her in the lines. She feels to much. She cares to much. She cries to much. But she has a small light that sometimes is so strong that it escapes through my cracks. Those are the moments i realize just how many cracks I really have.
She was your daughter. When you took your own breath, she had to make hers more shallow, if i let her lose, she may feel all the pain of losing you. I dont want to feel that pain. I dont want to miss you as badly as she does.
she painted a flower. an abstract sunflower. Its one of the first times in a long time she has done sometime that others can see. Ive been keeping her thoughts locked down in my mind.
She would be a better mother. She would have seen.
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loudmindquitemouth 